How Are You?

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
— David W. Augsburger

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Maybe love begins with listening — really listening — to the answers we’ve stopped expecting to hear.

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"How are you"?

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This question comes in different languages.
There are countless ways to ask it — but does anyone really want to hear the answer?

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Most of the time, it’s just a conversation starter. So, we all respond with the automatic,
“I’m fine, and you?”
Because honestly, are you ready to listen to how I really am?

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That my back hurts.
That I genuinely just want to retire already and live in a cabin with a garden and my family.
That I want to be a better friend — someone reliable, someone people can count on.
That I have these episodes where I just block out everything.
Or even something as small as, “I haven’t been sleeping well.”

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Even on days when I manage a whole night’s rest, I wake up feeling like I got beaten up in my sleep.
Do you actually care to know about all the things my overthinking brain runs through before I finally say,
“I’m doing well, you?”

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And lately, I see that’s what people do too.
I ask friends or family how they’re doing, and the first inclination is to say,
“I am fine, and you?”

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Come on! You’re not fine.
Talk to me.

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Lately, though, I’ve been changing how I check in on people.
When I reach out to friends, I ask:

“How are you doing?”

But then I add —
“And please, don’t say fine.”

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I mean if you really are fine, then that's great but i also want to know what's making you feel fine. Is it work, a new hobby, a new realization, or someone new - did you make a new friend or speak to an elderly person at a park?

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Send me a voice note or call me. Let’s talk - really talk.
That simple tweak has yielded better results — more honest answers, deeper conversations, and stronger connections.

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I’ve started taking the time to give more honest responses when people reach out, too.
I used to do that before, but I noticed some people read it as:
“My name is Cynthia and I lead a sad life and love to complain about things.”

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But maybe I was just speaking to the wrong people.

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So now, when people I know genuinely care ask, I want to share — the good, the bad, and the ugly.
And for others, I won’t feel guilty about saying,
“I’m fine. You?”

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Going Forward

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I want to be intentional about checking in with my people.
You are not allowed to simply say, “I’m fine.”

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Just like the cover image of this musing, I need you to read the fine print and pour it out.

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Tell me why you’re fine.
Tell me what you’re up to.
Where’s your head and your heart at?
What made you laugh recently?
What’s been making you sad?
What are you daydreaming about these days?

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Because “How are you?” should mean more than small talk.
It should be an invitation — to share, to feel, to connect.

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Maybe that’s what we all need — to pause and truly listen.
Not to fix, not to compare, but just to be there.
Sometimes, all someone needs is the space to be honest about how they’re really doing, without the pressure to be “fine.”

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So, the next time you ask someone “How are you?” — mean it.
And when someone asks you, dare to answer honestly.

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Because real connection begins where small talk ends.

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Till I write you again, Obiagu✌🏾

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